🎤 Original School Assembly Poems KS2: Funny Verses to Perform ✍️

🌟 Why Use Poetry in Assemblies?

School assemblies are about coming together as a community — and poetry is the perfect art form to make that happen. Poems are short, memorable, and fun to perform, which makes them ideal for group readings in front of the whole school.

What makes this blog different? Unlike many lists of recommended poems, here you’ll find original assembly poems by me, Ian Bland. These are the funny, lively verses I perform in schools across the UK during Poetry Days — tried, tested, and loved by children from Year 3 to Year 6.

School assembly poems KS2 are brilliant because:

• They build confidence — every child can take part, even reluctant readers.

• They work for choral performance — echoes, call-and-response, or whole-class chanting.

• They’re funny and engaging, turning ordinary assemblies into unforgettable events.

• They give children a chance to show off their expression, rhythm, and teamwork.

👉 In my Poetry Days, assemblies are always a highlight. I perform my funniest, liveliest poems, then help classes rehearse and perform their own with actions, sound effects, and confidence.

📅 You can book me for:

• In-person Poetry Days in schools across the UK

• Online Poetry Workshops for flexible, affordable access

➡ Find out more here: Poets in Schools – Ian Bland

---

📝 Original School Assembly Poems KS2

1. The Teachers Are Asleep! 😴

Shush!
The teachers are asleep
They’re dreaming of the holidays
They’re gonna get next week
They’re dreaming about children
Who’ll do as they are told
They’re dreaming of the pensions
That they’ll get when they are old!

Shush!
The teachers are asleep!
They’re dreaming of a quiet class
That hardly ever speak
They’re dreaming of promotion
While they’re lying in their bed
They’re thinking up a lot of things
To do when they are head!

Shush!
The teachers start to snore
We won’t have to listen to their lessons anymore
We can throw our pencils
We can run around and chase
We can creep up to our teachers
Make a silly funny face!

Shush!
The teachers are asleep
These people are so tired
It could last until next week
They’re tossing and they’re turning
And they’re playing with their hair
There’s dribble dripping from their chin
They’re falling off their chair!

Shush!
The teachers start to wake
Their eyelids start to flicker
And their hands begin to shake
They’re looking out for trouble
Their face is going red
They’re looking for somebody they can
Send off to the head!

💡 Assembly performance idea:

• Half the class whispers “Shush!” and makes snoring noises while the other half reads verses.

• Add sound effects: yawning, dribbling, chairs creaking.

• End with the whole class shouting the final line together.

---

2. The Kung Fu Teachers 🥋

Normally they’re quiet normally they’re calm
Normally they do their work and don’t do any harm
But the moment that you’re naughty and the moment that you laugh
You’ll see them turn quickly into
THE KUNG FU TEACHING STAFF!

They’ll Kung Fu kick their laptops
And Kung Fu snap their pen
They’ll Kung Fu kick the whiteboards
So you won’t be daft again
They’ll Kung Fu chop the carpet
And they’ll Kung Fu stamp the floor
They’ll Kung Fu jump into the air
And Kung Fu smash the door!

Then as quickly as they started and they’ve scared you all to death
You’ll see the teachers meditate and take a big deep breath
But if they see you grinning and that should turn into a laugh
Once more you’ll see the mad return of:
THE KUNG FU TEACHING STAFF!

They’ll Kung Fu stroke their beards
And take the Kung Fu Stance
They’ll Kung Fu all their hair back
And do a kind of Kung Fu dance
They’ll Kung Fu raise their arms up
And do this all day long
They’ll Kung Fu stand on benches
And sing the Kung Fu song!

And when you think they’re finished and their mental health’s returning
You’ll see those teachers sit right down and get on with their learning
But please don’t try to rile them and please don’t make them sulk
Please don’t make them turn into a teaching INCREDIBLE HULK!

Because they’ll Kung Fu pick their noses
And Kung Fu flick it in the air
They’ll show you all their Kung Fu claws
And growl like a Kung Fu bear
And all those Kung Fu Ladies
And all those Kung Fu men
Will make you all behave yourselves
And not be daft again!

💡 Assembly performance idea:

• Add kung fu moves to every line (stamps, chops, kicks).

• Whole class chants “THE KUNG FU TEACHING STAFF!” together.

• Stage it as a rap poem with stomps and claps for rhythm.

---

3. Who Likes Homework? Not Me! 📚

Every weekend every night
Loads of homework it’s not right
Adding timesing take away
Do your homework’s what they say
Do it now and don’t be lazy
Homework homework makes you crazy
Come on teachers set us free
Who likes homework?

NOT ME!

Can’t watch telly can’t see friends
Homework’s piling never ends
Myths and legends stories fables
Symmetry and twelve times tables
Bar charts tallies drawing graphs
Rock hard problems rock hard maths
Everyone agrees with me,
Who likes homework?

NOT ME!

Try to run your parents stop yer
So much homework it will shock yer
Even though you keep on trying
Homework’s growing multiplying
Have a rest they just won’t let yer
Homework homework’s gonna get yer
Sock it to me 123,
Who likes homework?

NOT ME!

💡 Assembly performance idea:

• Read this as a chant or rap poem.

• Divide into groups — one group shouts the “NOT ME!” chorus.

• Add stomps, claps, and body percussion to keep rhythm.

---

4. Mr Dunmoor – That Teacher Who Swore 😱

Ben said he heard it when he was cleaning up the glue
Sara had her headphones on, she didn’t have a clue
Eddie seemed to think it sounded like a naughty word
Zara thought it definitely the worst she’d ever heard

Leon couldn’t take it his face went ruby red
Fallon bolted out the door to go and tell the head
Kai considered it to be the worst of classroom crimes
Bill just started laughing and repeated it several times

Bella stood there frozen with a mouth a mile wide
Simon flat out fainted and had to be revived
Julie mused on balance it all could just be a dream
Someone whispered it to Lewis who let out a little scream

Lucy started gabbling and covered up her ears
Byron tucked his shirt in and then burst into tears

Justine
was
OFFENDED
from her

head

down

to

her

toes

What the teacher really said?
Well, nobody really knows…

💡 Assembly performance idea:

• Stage this like a dramatic play, with each child taking a line.

• Add exaggerated gasps, faints, screams.

• Build suspense and end with a whispered final line.

---

5. Mr Vale – The Teacher Who Put His Class Up for Sale 💰

28 Year 6 children for immediate sale after SATS.
14 girls 12 boys 2 unidentified.
Inspection welcome before purchase (but I’d bring a crash helmet.)
11 long years on the clock.
7 year school history – ran out of steam in year 3.
Girls beat the boys in fights.
2 speed legs – slow and stop.
All children come with an array of coughs, colds, dirty hankies and excuses not to do PE.

0% Finance 0% Interest in lessons generally.
Part Exchange considered (The school needs some new curtains).

Specifications:
Food consumption: 10 bags of crisps and 5 chocolate bars per S/H (school hour)
Gas Emissions: All day every day
Performance: Low
Safety Features: None – very dangerous
Exterior features: Scruffy
Interior Features: Dodgy

This class is not reported as stolen – just lazy.

All enquiries: mrvale@myschool.sch.co.uk

💡 Assembly performance idea:

• Perform this like a mock advert.

• One group reads specifications like an auctioneer; another group acts them out.

• Add props: clipboards, signs, “FOR SALE” posters.

---

👩‍🏫 Teacher Notes

• Curriculum links: English (performance poetry, speaking & listening), Drama (expression, characterisation), PSHE (confidence, teamwork).

• Differentiation: Short refrains (“NOT ME!”) for younger or reluctant pupils; longer solo lines for confident readers.

• Engagement: Assembly performances make poetry a shared, joyful experience where everyone joins in.

---

🌟 Final Thought

School assembly poems KS2 work best when they are funny, lively, and performance-ready — and that’s exactly what you’ll find here. These are original poems by me, Ian Bland, written specifically with assemblies in mind. Whether it’s kung fu teachers, homework complaints, or a class up for sale, these poems have been performed in hundreds of schools, always guaranteed to raise a laugh.

🎤 Why not bring these poems to life in your own school?

For over 25 years, I’ve been performing and teaching poetry in primary schools. A Poetry Day includes:

• A high-energy performance assembly to inspire the whole school 🎭

• Fun writing workshops across classes ✍️

• Group performances where pupils share their own funny verses 🌟

📅 You can book me for:

• In-person Poetry Days anywhere in the UK

• Online Poetry Workshops for flexible access

👉 Poetry Days are always popular around World Book Day and National Poetry Day. Book your date now and give your pupils an unforgettable day of original poetry, laughter, and performance.
Contact me here➡ Poets in Schools – Ian Bland